Dessa,
Please don't be so hard on yourself. There is nothing you could have done different. Do you realize that our life's path is wrote down the day we are born. I am so sorry, that you have had to go through this with Joseph. You did exactly what most mother's would do. You loved your baby up until that last breath and even then into eternity. Dessa, I have 4 daughter's and they each suffer from Depression and are B-Polar (I call it the polar-bear symdrome). Their father also suffers from depression. So you can imagine what I have gone through over the years. I couldn't begin to tell you, so I'll hit the high notes. My oldest daughter Angel is 35, April 30, Amie 29, Amber 25 and we adopted a son Andrew who is 14 and suffers from ADHD. At the age of 18, April ran away several times. We would find her and bring her home. She tried to kill herself and then she left again. This time we had to let her go. She got into drugs and others things, I won't mention. She finally married at the age of 19 to a man 34 years old and we later found out he was supplying her with the drugs. She had 2 children Luke who is now 9 and we are raising him because she contracted Hep-C and stays sick all the time. She will eventually die from the disease. Her other baby Carlton who would be 8, died during birth due to defects caused by cocaine abuse. She has gotten saved and she is trying so hard to get clean, but the damage to her mind is permanant and can't be reversed. It keeps her from making rational decisions. Thank God Luke has no real bad effects from it other than ADHD. My youngest daughter Amber, has tried to kill herself 4 times since she was 15. No real reason, just stupid things really. I would get so angry everytime she took pills or cut herself, because I didn't understand what she was going through. It took me along time to except this serious problem. I thought she could or should be able to control these feelings. I finally went with her to couseling. I did learn this was not my problem but hers and all you can do as a parent is be there for them, only when they want you to be. She is married now and has 3 beautiful little boys Dylan 6, Dawson 4, and Dakota 1-1/2. She is on depression medication as all of the girls are along with their Dad. Their lives are not always great but I watch from afar and if they need me I'm there. Amie is probably the least of the problems. She handles her condition very well. She is married and has 2 children Allen 2 and Tristen (an angel baby who would be 4) Nothing she did wrong, he had a condition called Limb Body Wall Syndrome. He only lived 27 minutes. She has a very hard time on birthdays and holidays, but Allen keeps her busy and she is a great mother. Dessa, it sounds like you did exactly what you were supposed to do. I can't tell you not to grieve, because it does help to release some of the hurt, but don't take the burden of his death on your shoulder's. It's not your fault and not Joseph's either. But it was his life and it sounds as if he lived it his way. Just love him and cherish your memories, good and bad. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and I hope that I have helped, that was my intentions. Sometimes I get carried away. You will continue to be in my heart and my thoughts always.
