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Why did I lose you

Joseph was depressed the last year of his life maybe longer but I didn’t know. He had started drinking and taking prescription medication I guess to try to make what ever it was go away. He had hurt his back at one time when he worked on the boat and got a prescription from the emergency room. But then he could go back at anytime and get one. Just walk right in and say he was hurting and they would write one out just like that. "He also got them from other people he also had methodone in his system that was the one he got most from other people they know who they are." We tried to stop them he even ended up in the hospital at one time because he would not wake up. When he did he had to stay in the hospital for about a week. We tried to get him into rehab but to get into rehab you have to be clean of drugs. I couldn’t understand that I thought they were there to help you get off of them. Joseph would try really hard but he would slip back into it. He moved back in with us the last year I thought maybe I could help him. I also watched him close or tried to. Many nights I slept on the couch beside his room so I could hear him. I didn’t that night. I failed. He would ask for help and being a mother you feel like a failure if you can’t help them. We had finally got him into a rehab he was supposed to go the next week after we lost him. Only one more week. Joseph and I prayed everyday for help. I don’t know if Joseph meant to do this or if it was an accident. Joseph and I talked all the time and he was so scared he was going to lose me or his Dad. I couldn’t understand why he kept thinking of that always. I would always say we have a lot more time here and it would be hard but he would make it. Never in my life had I ever thought I would have to live without him. I went to wake him up that morning and I could not get a response from him I called the ambulance and we followed him to the hospital he passed at he hospital and I went into shock I can’t remember from there on. I miss him so much it feels like someone is sticking there hand in my chest and they keep ripping my heart out. I keep saying the “What if” “Why” What else could I have done. I don’t know.

Carolyn, Nico May 16, 2009
 

Good Morning Dessa,

 

We have a lot in common.  I raised Nico until he was 6 1/2 years old.  I felt like he was my child.  I have two daughters, but there was something special about Nico.  I was the first one my daughter called that Friday morning. I will never forget it.  It is like a nightmare that never ends.  My husband and I went down to my daughter's.  There lay Nico on the bed, looking like he was asleep except for being blue.  I cried and prayed to God to bring him back, but it was not His will.  I look back and wonder if there was something more we could have done. We could see his heart beating through his small frame. At the time of his death, he looked like a skeleton with skin on it.  The doctors told us it was the scoliosis that was pushing his heart forward, but it was because he had an enlarged heart.  There are so many regrets and what ifs, but it was the will of God and nothing could have changed it.  We will never forget them or ever stop loving them.  Sending you all my love and many, many hugs.

Georgia Ford April 25, 2009
 
Tristen Hale & carlton Ivy's Nana

Dessa,

 

Please don't be so hard on yourself.  There is nothing you could have done different.  Do you realize that our life's path is wrote down the day we are born.  I am so sorry, that you have had to go through this with Joseph.  You did exactly what most mother's would do.  You loved your baby up until that last breath and even then into eternity.  Dessa, I have 4 daughter's and they each suffer from Depression and are B-Polar (I call it the polar-bear symdrome).  Their father also suffers from depression.  So you can imagine what I have gone through over the years.  I couldn't begin to tell you, so I'll hit the high notes.  My oldest daughter Angel is 35,  April 30, Amie 29, Amber 25 and we adopted a son Andrew who is 14 and suffers from ADHD.  At the age of 18, April ran away several times.  We would find her and bring her home.  She tried to kill herself and then she left again.  This time we had to let her go.  She got into drugs and others things, I won't mention.  She finally married at the age of 19 to a man 34 years old and we later found out he was supplying her with the drugs.  She had 2 children Luke who is now 9 and we are raising him because she contracted Hep-C and stays sick all the time.  She will eventually die from the disease.  Her other baby Carlton  who would be 8, died during birth due to defects caused by cocaine abuse. She has gotten saved and she is trying so hard to get clean, but the damage to her mind is permanant and can't be reversed. It keeps her from making rational decisions. Thank God Luke has no real bad effects from it other than ADHD.  My youngest daughter Amber, has tried to kill herself  4 times since she was 15.  No real reason, just stupid things really. I would get so angry everytime she took pills or cut herself, because I didn't understand what she was going through.  It took me along time to except this serious problem.  I thought she could or should be able to control these feelings.  I finally went with her to couseling.  I did learn this was not my problem but hers and all you can do as a parent is be there for them, only when they want you to be.  She is married now and has 3 beautiful little boys Dylan 6, Dawson 4, and Dakota 1-1/2.  She is on depression medication as all of the girls are along with their Dad.  Their lives are not always great but I watch from afar and if they need me I'm there.  Amie is probably the least of the problems.  She handles her condition very well.  She is married and has 2 children Allen 2 and Tristen (an angel baby who would be 4)  Nothing she did wrong, he had a condition called Limb Body Wall Syndrome.  He only lived 27 minutes. She has a very hard time on birthdays and holidays, but Allen keeps her busy and she is a great mother.  Dessa, it sounds like you did exactly what you were supposed to do.  I can't tell you not to grieve, because it does help to release some of the hurt, but don't take the burden of his death on your shoulder's.  It's not your fault and not Joseph's either.  But it was his life and it sounds as if he lived it his way.  Just love him and cherish your memories, good and bad.  I will keep you and your family in my prayers and I hope that I have helped, that was my intentions. Sometimes I get carried away.  You will continue to be in my heart and my thoughts always.


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